Summer Classes for Men

(This is what my girl sent me the other day...)

Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMIT ED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How to Find Things--Starting With Looking In the Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling when you’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

The Mood Pendulum and the Theory of Relativity

(This document is marked as work in progress (W.I.P.) and is a draft version 0.1)
The thing about mood swings is that we men do not have the same biological frame of reference of those of women and hence, we fail to hold any empathy to what they’re going through.

Okay, we might be able to get it that it’s one of the days when nothing’s going right for you girls. But often have we not tried and though failed every time to try in to please you pretty girls? It’s not that we’re indifferent in any way – it’s just that, what’s the point? No matter what we do, we get it wrong. And to top it up, either our efforts go unnoticed or we get condemned to the depths of frustration with the acrid sarcastic feedback that they (our efforts) aren’t enough.

I am sure than many resourceful and geniuses have spent quite of their time on trying to work out a plan around the swings. I’ve tried to capture quantative as well as qualitative data of many of my good friends to try and find the dimmest glimmer of hope of finding a predictable pattern in the realms of mood swings. But even after days, weeks and months of observation I’ve gained no ground. Not on any two days have any two moods been repeated in the same manner than before. And there is absolutely no defined time-interval indicating the next mood swing. Nor have I been able to notice any sociological, facial or body language change which would indicating us men that the next mood swing is in progress. In fact, the mood swings have happened over such short intervals that I’m not even sure I can even measure the time period.

When Einstein came up with the theory of general relativity, and predicted that nothing can move faster than the speed of light, I’m sure he hadn’t considered the moods of a lady. To quote an illustration from theory of relativity, Einstein said that in our world where everything has a speed lesser than that of light we have the cause and effect. This means that one has to shoot a gun before the bird dies. This is what happens in our 'normal' world. He speculated though in a world in a parallel universe where there are things moving faster than the speed of light there would be an effect and then a cause, which considering our previous example would mean the bird would die before the gun is fired – or in other words, the gun was fired because the bird died. Now over many years of experience of co-existing with the fair members of homo-sapiens, I’ve noticed many a times that the Effect almost invariably precedes the cause! Something happens first and you get blamed for it. So much for parallel universe and theory of relativity.

While I mull more over the thought (and I should be because it is believed that anything which does not verify the theory of relativity is wrong), I may be able to apply theory of relativity over our little problem if I make certain assumptions and approximations and consider certain paradoxes – but the only conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that either the theory of relativity has an exception (which is a dreadful thought) unless we consider the metaphorical reference to our medieval literature and assume that a woman holds a universe in herself. This will explain the effect and cause scenario and if we consider the individuality or every woman to be different, it may even explain the unique ‘mood swingness’ among women. It does have some certain flaws like the existence of a universe within a universe and other non-trivial singularities. Otherwise, another assumption can be made that women are aliens who’ve come from a parallel universe whose space-time continuum is entirely different from ours and the observations made in one universe do not hold any consequential relevance in the other. This may even explain the fact, that why we men are never been able to understand women. But it may also indicate that we men are under attack by aliens from other universe wanting world domination and us surrendering into complete slavery with no freedom of action or thought.
(I am also trying to come up with a nomenclature to identify the universe within a lady. The conventional method of identifying a lady and communicating within other fellow men for further observation is something like “36-26-36-red skimpy dress-located 9 O’clock”. Most of the men can easily aware of these universal conventions. Women on the other hand, do not bother yourselves with it please. Like I earlier said, any observations made in our universe are of non consequential relevance in your universe and any attempt to comprehend it will lead you to interpret out intentions with disastrously wrong results! )

Being low on resources and of limited social acceptance in the world of our friends from the ‘other universe’, my research has to go a long way. It is but very imperitive though that this crucial work must continue for the sake of happiness of ‘mankind’. Because as of now, irrespective of whether we’re the ones incapable of understanding them or they failing to realize that we don’t ‘get it’, we men, are always the victims. So much for Gender equality!!

Do girls ever listen?

I have been thinking about how much fun girls always have been (or maybe my Pheromones were speaking for me) but recently, I’ve been exposed to the more ‘Complicated’ side of them and a continuous habit no matter how hard you try to break of not listening? I am surprised here and can really have a vote here as is it me or girls just don’t listen?

I’ve been stumped that no matter how articulate one may be it is almost impossible to explain a female counterpart the notion of practicality. Somehow their ‘intuitive’ thinking and our sense (as in a guy) doesn’t really go hand in hand. Tell her to do something from a practical point of view; she won’t because it’ll conflict with her line of thought. Write down instructions for her and she won’t follow it. Afterwards, when it doesn’t work she’ll blame you for being so vile that you’ve given her a plan so flawed. No wonder Einstein found it easier to work on the theory or relativity than on the theory of relationships.
You do something wrong, you get fired for that – accepted behavior.
She does something wrong and you accept is as a part of life – difficult to accept but not improbable.
She does something wrong and you get fired for that – again, difficult to accept but not improbable.
Anyone does anything wrong and you get fired for that – wow, try that for size!
And, somehow, to most guys in relationship this has become a part of life. Perhaps, their pheromones levels are way too high to feel anything but generous towards the females.

In my short life with whatever experiences I’ve had, more often I’ve found myself at my wit’s end asking myself the question – What Did I do (now)?
Somehow, I’ve always been the one seeking apology and thinking that somewhere something was wrong only to realize that it was me and my understanding of the word apology wrong. As per dictionary.com, Apology is “a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another”. Also, if you care enough to look beyond that, there is another definition – “an inferior specimen or substitute”. Well, how about that! Girls do have a better sense of the language and somehow, they don’t need to study it in School or pickup a dictionary for that. Genetically speaking, if the chromosome pairing of the last pair is ‘XY’, the first part of the meaning holds true otherwise, it’s the latter one. So a girl asking for apology is out of the question. And to trace this root of evil perhaps, we need to go back in time when some philanthropic anthropologist said that Women are more superior to men. Today, I think it was just his hormones speaking for him.
It’s always like this even when we make a comment based on the gender (like this blog I’m posting) – we’re being sexist or chauvinist. Had it been a girl writing an article like this – she’s being a feminist!

One thing at the end I did understand, there’s no point complaining! Shut up and you’ll enjoy good sex well, most of the times. Otherwise like me – you’ll be sleeping on the couch.

Humor-Blogs.com

Men vs Women - An Epic Battle! | Funny Jokes at JibJab