Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Happy to Help

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A:  We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:  Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?   (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?  (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. ..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q:  Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q:  Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

Q:  Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?  (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q:  Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first!

Daughter's ESP

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying  "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"  The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing  to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her  prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day. He stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of  my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened  HERE.

He asked "What??"

She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died.